Today...
I had a lot of heavy stuff put on me today.
In the vein of openness and honesty, I went to a therapist today.
It was an eye opening experience. Sometimes you need a third party with nothing invested to see things that you can't see and express it from another perspective. It was surprisingly not as hard as I thought it would be. I came into it with an open mind and really pushed myself to not to try to be this stoic island of a man.
It made me think: Why did I feel like I had to swallow everything and try to endure without any help?
Is it because as a man, I was just supposed to be strong and not ask for any help? Maybe. Is it because in the society, there is a stigma on mental health? Maybe that too. Is it because as black people, we seek all our mental health through the church and are told we just need Jesus and to pray about our issues? A little.
Mainly for me, I fear the judgement. I had decided that this therapist would hear my issues and think, "What the hell is with this dude? He is the worst person ever." Often we look at our problems through a fish bowl. Our problems look huge to us but from the outside they are not all that big. I try to be objective about everything and try to be a realist but when it happens to me, I usually turn mole hills into mountains. It is part of human nature. We have a problem and automatically think it is only happening to us and no one will understand. No matter what I am told from others, I don't hear it and only hear the negative thoughts ringing in my head.
I really opened up today about my issues. My marriage, my father, my mother. Everything. I look forward to diving more into these issues but for now, I feel like this will be a good experience for me to keep regular appointments with him. Most importantly, I want to better myself and if I need to go and talk to a complete stranger to do it, then that is what I will do.
The point is you cannot fix everything by yourself. There will be things under your control that you can fix, but a little outside help never hurts. Holding things in and pushing them down will not help. Praying will help, but not alone. You have to constantly work and push to be a better you. I do not like some of things I have done. At times I hate myself. The thing is, you are not your decisions. You cannot let one or a few bad decisions make you think you are a shitty person.
On the other hand there are things that you cannot control. If you worry about those things, you will drive yourself further from where you want to be. It will cloud your mind and distract you from your ultimate goal. My ultimate goal is to write and try and help other. I have not been as active as I would like to be because I have made decisions outside of my vision that have clouded my vision. I had a clear vision of what I want from my life and when I revisited it recently, I realized I was so far off track and need to get back to it.
So, keep pushing. I know I will.
In the vein of openness and honesty, I went to a therapist today.
It was an eye opening experience. Sometimes you need a third party with nothing invested to see things that you can't see and express it from another perspective. It was surprisingly not as hard as I thought it would be. I came into it with an open mind and really pushed myself to not to try to be this stoic island of a man.
It made me think: Why did I feel like I had to swallow everything and try to endure without any help?
Is it because as a man, I was just supposed to be strong and not ask for any help? Maybe. Is it because in the society, there is a stigma on mental health? Maybe that too. Is it because as black people, we seek all our mental health through the church and are told we just need Jesus and to pray about our issues? A little.
Mainly for me, I fear the judgement. I had decided that this therapist would hear my issues and think, "What the hell is with this dude? He is the worst person ever." Often we look at our problems through a fish bowl. Our problems look huge to us but from the outside they are not all that big. I try to be objective about everything and try to be a realist but when it happens to me, I usually turn mole hills into mountains. It is part of human nature. We have a problem and automatically think it is only happening to us and no one will understand. No matter what I am told from others, I don't hear it and only hear the negative thoughts ringing in my head.
I really opened up today about my issues. My marriage, my father, my mother. Everything. I look forward to diving more into these issues but for now, I feel like this will be a good experience for me to keep regular appointments with him. Most importantly, I want to better myself and if I need to go and talk to a complete stranger to do it, then that is what I will do.
The point is you cannot fix everything by yourself. There will be things under your control that you can fix, but a little outside help never hurts. Holding things in and pushing them down will not help. Praying will help, but not alone. You have to constantly work and push to be a better you. I do not like some of things I have done. At times I hate myself. The thing is, you are not your decisions. You cannot let one or a few bad decisions make you think you are a shitty person.
On the other hand there are things that you cannot control. If you worry about those things, you will drive yourself further from where you want to be. It will cloud your mind and distract you from your ultimate goal. My ultimate goal is to write and try and help other. I have not been as active as I would like to be because I have made decisions outside of my vision that have clouded my vision. I had a clear vision of what I want from my life and when I revisited it recently, I realized I was so far off track and need to get back to it.
So, keep pushing. I know I will.
Comments
Post a Comment